How to Identify Your Wants
On a societal level, in the productivity-focused, fast paced world that we live in, it is common to dismiss your wants, desires, and longings. We’ve been taught that if something is not productive, then it is not worth your time, or you are not deserving of it.
On an individual level, when you have had traumatic or painful experiences, it can be hard to allow yourself to re-engage with the world and experience joy.
Allowing yourself to have wants and to feel deserving of them is an act of vulnerability; by doing so, you open yourself up to the possibility of being disappointed. At the same time, you also open yourself up to the potential for joy and pleasure. Allowing yourself to have wants and pursue them is a way to recognize that you are worthy of more than the bare minimum and express your true self. When you tune into your wants, needs, boundaries and values, you develop a stronger sense of self.
What is the difference between a want and a need?
-A need is basic to survival and is fundamental to psychological or physiological wellbeing, where as a want provides joy and fulfillment.
Here are some examples of types of wants:
Material - Tangible objects
Ex. I want to have a cosy throw on my couch
Interpersonal - Qualities we seek in relationships
Ex. I want a partner who shares my interest in hiking
Physical - Things that pertain to our bodies such as touch and food
Ex. I want to eat a slice of cake or I want to have my partner to touch me in a slow, sensual way
Emotional - A preference or desire for a type of emotional fulfillment
Ex. I want my partner to text me every morning
Temporal - How we want to spend our time
Ex. I want to spend a half an hour reading before bed each night
Aesthetic - How we want something to look, sound or feel
Ex. I want my home to be filled with colorful furniture and objects
Purpose-related - How we want to pursue meaning and fulfillment
Ex. I want to volunteer at a women’s rights organization
What is your relationship like with your wants? Here are some questions to consider:
-How do you relate to having a want? How easy is it for you to identify and advocate for your wants?
-How did your caregivers react when you expressed a want?
-How were wants treated in your social context (considering culture, religion, gender, motherhood, etc.)
-How did your caregivers treat their wants?
Here are some reasons why you may not have acknowledged or expressed your wants:
-Your wants may have been rejected by others in the past
-You were told that having wants makes you greedy, selfish or sinful
-Your held them back and went along with the wants/needs of others as a way to find acceptance and belonging
-You held them back to protect yourself from the potential hurt and disappointment of not getting what you want
Here is an exercise to help you get in touch with your wants:
Using the “type of wants” list as inspiration, imagine a day where you can pursue your wants and no one will judge you (including yourself) or object to you pursing them. Think about what wants you would pursue, how you would spend your time, what activities you would partake in. What might you suggest you do with friends or your partner? What might you do by yourself? If you want, you can draw a picture to illustrate this day of wants.
From this, identify two wants, and make a plan to meet them in the next month.
Source: Stop People Pleasing by Hailey Magee