The Guide to Opening Up Your Relationship
If you are thinking about opening up your relationship, here are some steps to lead you to success!
1. Talk About It
First things first; talk to your partner and see if they’re interested in an open relationship. Discuss things like would it be like to open up? Is this something that interests both of you? What feelings does opening up bring up for you? What do you think you would enjoy about it and what do you think you would dislike? Talk through these feelings with your partner. Be aware of the norms and rules that society has around relationships—sometimes, we think that we must feel a certain way because that’s what we’ve been told. Consider if these rules fit for you, or if you want to do things differently. Sometimes, the idea of opening up can bring up insecurities, anxieties, and feelings of jealousy. That’s okay—these feelings can tell you a lot about your values, boundaries and needs. Talking through what exactly makes you feel jealous or insecure can be a good way to recognize what situations you would be okay with and what you need from your partner in order to feel secure. Discuss worst case scenarios and best case scenarios. Sometimes you’ll find that a situation that seems scary could actually be a lot of fun.
2. Educate Yourself
There are lots of great resources about non-monogamy. Listen to a podcast, read a book, or talk to other people who an non-monogamous. You can find more resources in my blog post here.
3. Look Around
One way to see if an open relationship is for you is to start experiencing some of the feelings of being in the open relationship. That involves stepping (slightly) outside of your comfort zone for an exciting experience. It’s like dipping your toe in the water. Create a profile, and see what it’s like to swipe around. Is it fun? Exciting? Boring? Frustrating? What is it like to see your partner’s profile and see them swiping through people? Messaging people? Discuss these emotions with your partner.
A note on apps. The app Feeld is great for meeting other non-monogamous people. Many couples and singles looking for “group play” use this app, as well as polyamorous people who are seeking more relationships. Many people on this app are familiar with the concepts of consent and using clear communication. Another option (especially if you’re primarily looking to date separately) is to go on Hinge, Bumble, or Tinder. They have a bunch of options and although all of them may not be familiar with or interested in getting involved with someone who is non-monogamous, you may find someone after a few swipes.
Another way for you and your partner to start experimenting (especially if you’re not keen on online dating) is to go to a sex club together. You can simply look around at the people there, watch other couples having sex, and if you want, flirt with other people, and/or have public sex. See what feelings this experience brings up for you and discuss them with your partner. If you’re still interested in opening up, continue to the next step.
4. Create a list of agreements
Once you and your partner decide that you want to open up your relationship, it’s time to define what that actually means. Talk about what experiences you want to seek out and what boundaries you have. Would you have sex with people? Together? Separately? Have relationships with other people? Casual or serious? Do you want to be primary partners or be non-heirarchical? Discuss what types of interactions you’re interested in, how much time you will devote to seeing others, whether you will share details of these encounters with your partner, etc. You may have to do some negotiating if you both have different ideas of what you want. And some agreements may be more flexible or may change as you experience opening up. You can learn about yourselves and re-evaluate your agreements as you go along.
5. Go for it!
It’s easy to get caught up in the details of the open relationship, but you won’t really know what you’re okay with until you try it out.
6. Keep Communicating
As you start seeing other people, you may find that you are much more comfortable with things you never imagined you would be, and at other times, jealousy or insecurity may pop up when you least expect it. It is important to discuss these experiences with your partner. Talking before and after you meet up with someone can be a good idea. If you’re experiencing negative feelings, explore those feelings with you partner and what you are needing in regards to this. Often, agreements will get re-negotiated as you learn more about yourselves. In the beginning, you or your partner may make mistakes or cross boundaries (intentionally or unintentionally). If this happens, talk about it, and what can be done to prevent it from happening in the future. You may have to take some time to reestablish trust and safety before continuing to see people. Continually assess how the open relationship is going, and if you want to continue being open, and what it means to be open.
7. Nurture Your Relationship
The key to sustaining a long term non-monogamous relationship is by maintaining a secure attachment. Find a balance between engaging in self-soothing when insecurity or jealousy arises and getting reassurance from your parter. Giving reassurance is incredibly important way to show your partner that although you are engaging with other people, those people are not a threat because you are committed to each other. Additionally, establishing rituals can be a helpful tool. Some people engage in rituals like cuddling or sharing some reasons why they love each other after a date. In her book Polysecure, psycho-therapist Jessica Fern describes the HEART framework to create relational security: Connecting in the Here & Now, Expressing Delight for each other, Attuning to each other, creating Rituals & Routines, and Turning Towards each other after a conflict.